If I said I didn’t get upset over you sometimes.

But that is outweighed tenfold by how happy you make me when we hang out. I never thought I’d find anyone other than Lace on that wavelength but here you are and it’s just so nice that we can sit and talk non-stop or just sit and do our own thing but I always leave in a good mood.

Not that he’s replacing Lace. He could never do that.

Apparently, I’m not alone in this.

Apparently, we have chemistry.

Apparently, you look at me in a certain way.

Apparently, you always seem a little lost without me.

Apparently, everyone can see it except me.

Apparently…

Feels weird, man.

My best friend is too far away for me to help her with her problems and that is killing me. But that’s only the surface.

So, I was disappointed by Dark Shadows after watching it. I was already tired when I got on the tube because watching a boring film does that to you and then it all went to shit.

I started feeling really fidgety and then I asked my friend to hang out with me this evening and he said no. That meant I knew I’d be alone in the flat all night. I got more and more fidgety; rubbing my wrists, digging my nails into my palm etc. Then I could feel myself wanting to cry. I knew where this way going so I tried to hide it from my friend as much as possible because I didn’t know if he had dealt with this before.

Also, I was having thoughts of extreme self-harm and this is not the time of year to bring that up with the particular friend I was with.

So as soon as we separated at the tube station to go to our respective flats, I began crying. I managed to keep myself composed enough to buy milk and bread and then as soon as the door shut, I started having a panic attack.

Now, my flatmates are all gone til Sunday evening so I had to ring my friend who was doing a live broadcast on a site so she could sort me out over the phone. There is nothing more terrifying than having a full blown panic attack whilst you’re on your own. Luckily, she did a splendid job calming me down and it wasn’t repeated.

So now I am so tired and so hungry but I’m worried if I walk around the house it will trigger another attack.

I hate that my stomach flipped when that happened. I thought I was over it but apparently the feelings are still there.

What will I do when he’s gone this summer?

I feel most sexy when I’m drunk, smoking a cigarette

But these things also make me aware that I am sad

I have a friend coming to stay because she is in the Olympics opening and closing ceremonies and, because it’s tiring and she has to be up and about at 6, each time I surrender my room to her and sleep in the living room.

Today, however, I really don’t want this to happen. I just want to sit and read and play ukulele and just generally be on my own. I just went into the living room to move my stuff down and all my flatmates are in there, which is fine, but one of them is on the air bed under the blankets I’m using tonight and, because I was hoping to turn my back on all of them rather than have to speak to them, it really annoyed me. The sofa I’ll have to sit on down there is one which forces conversation on to me. I just want to finish my book.

The fact I’m reading “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” isn’t helpful as it’s reminded me how much I love and need my personal space in order to stay sane, especially when I’m in this somber mood.

Like, it’s not their fault obviously. But I hope while I’m in there that they sense me wanting to be on my own and leave. It’s a far-fetched hope. I can’t exactly ask them to leave, can I?

I think it’s weird but… I do. Maybe we’ll Skype later… ARGH.